Five days before the U.S. military launched a series of air strikes on northern Venezuela and a Special Forces unit armed with blowtorches broke into a Venezuelan military compound to kidnap that country’s president and his wife, a group of shamans gathered on the Peruvian coast, imbibed hallucinogenic cocktails, and predicted that the Venezuelan president would be removed from office in 2026.
Five days before the U.S. military launched a series of air strikes on northern Venezuela and a Special Forces unit armed with blowtorches broke into a Venezuelan military compound to kidnap that country’s president and his wife, a group of shamans gathered on the Peruvian coast, imbibed hallucinogenic cocktails, and predicted that the Venezuelan president would be removed from office in 2026.123 The U.S. president shared a photograph taken aboard a military warship of the blindfolded and handcuffed Venezuelan president, who was wearing a grey Nike tracksuit that soon sold out online.456“The Monroe Doctrine is a big deal, but we’ve superseded it by a lot,” said the U.S. president. “They now call it the ‘Don-roe Doctrine.’”7The leader of the free world, who has previously claimed that Venezuela stole oil belonging to the United States, gave a press conference detailing the particulars of the raid, during which he used the word “oil” at least twenty times; it was announced that a group of twenty American investors would visit Venezuela in March to explore financial opportunities in the besieged country’s oil and gas sectors; and the jump in the energy giant Chevron’s stock price helped the Dow Jones Industrial Average reach a record high.8910 The U.S. president declared that Cuba was not worth invading because it was “ready to fall”; threatened to launch a military operation in Colombia; warned that country’s president, who criticized the American attack on Venezuela, to “watch his ass”; and said that he was still considering taking over Greenland shortly after a right-wing podcaster, the wife of the U.S. deputy chief of staff for policy, posted to X a map of the territory superimposed with the American flag and captioned “SOON.”11121314 “Peace,” said the U.S. president, when asked about his resolution for the new year. “Peace on earth.”15
On New Year’s Eve, the Chinese president declared that his country’s “reunification” with Taiwan was “unstoppable,” one day after the Chinese military conducted a series of military drills around the island nation, including the simulation of a naval blockade on Taiwanese ports and several missile launches.16 France and Britain bombed an underground arms cache in Syria; North Korea launched missile strikes ahead of the South Korean president’s state visit to China; and Israel became the first sovereign state to recognize the independence of Somaliland, home to a military base used by the United Arab Emirates to conduct anti-Houthi actions in nearby Yemen.171819 Russia was tricked into paying half a million dollars in reward money to the Ukrainian military after Ukraine faked the assassination of one of its Russian-born commanders, a neo-Nazi and former “football hooligan,” agitating violence at soccer games.2021 At a political gathering in Pune, an Indian politician grabbed a rival candidate’s nomination form, tore it up, and swallowed it; and Brazil’s former president was temporarily released from prison for a second operation to rid him of persistent hiccups.2223
Israeli police raided a Christmas party in Haifa, confiscating equipment and arresting a Palestinian man dressed as Santa Claus; a man dressed as Santa Claus was stopped by police for drunk driving in Rivne, Ukraine; and an Indiana state senator posted an AI-generated image of himself body-slamming Santa Claus on Christmas morning.242526“Drunk ringing, belligerent tidings, and assault took him from bell duty to booking blotter,” said the sheriff’s office in Stuart, Florida, after a Salvation Army bell ringer attempted to impale a grocery store manager with a tripod used for donation collection.27In Ghana, a self-declared prophet, who solicited money from his followers to build arks ahead of what he said would be a Christmas Day rapture, announced that the apocalypse had been postponed and used the donations to instead purchase a Mercedes.28—Megan Evershed
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